Talking about sex isn’t always easy, but it’s essential to a healthy intimate relationship! Dr. Jess is joined by sex therapist and sex educator, Dr. Reece Malone to share communication advice on how to discuss the subject with your partner.
Talking about sex leads to better sex! According to Dr. Reece, many of us grew up where sex wasn’t talked about, unless it was about STIs and pregnancy prevention.
“So that leaves a lot of us with talking scripts from pornography, which is limiting and not authentic,” says Dr. Reece. To engage in conversation with your partner about sex, Dr. Reece has three tips:
Learn What Brings YOU Pleasure or Curiosity First
Share What is Right About Your Sex Life
Give Yourself Permission to Say “I Don’t Know!”
If you have a partner who is hesitant about talking about sex, Dr. Reece recommends trying to understand why they are hesitant. Is it because they lack experience talking about sex? Do they find the conversation demanding or awkward?
“By avoiding the topic, they avoid the discomfort, so discuss something more comfortable and joyful and then move to something more vulnerable!”
“I was hoping you can help with some intimate issues. I have been through several assaults and also been through significant trauma since a very young age. I have many difficulties with being intimate with my husband and this is becoming a big issue between us. I guess I’m wondering how to find my voice with sexual intimacy and learning to love my body again.”
“Part of intimacy is mindset and setting, and we need to focus first on the mindset of affectionate and loving touch on part of the body. And then we need to build that trust with the body with consistency,” explains Dr. Reece. “We need reliability that our partner will follow the rules of consent. And predictability that we’re not changing the rules without discussing it first.”
Hot Tip! Use your sex dreams to open up to your lover! Even if your dreams aren’t aligned with your fantasies, sharing themes from your dreams can lead to intimate and meaningful conversations.
Dr. Reece recommends toys, especially with people who are uncomfortable touching their body because it can be a buffer. For some people who have limited movement or dexterity, toys can be incredibly helpful. As well as people who have arousal issues or pre-ejaculation.
Sex toys help with sexual communication by starting the conversation. Couples can talk about how to intensify their pleasure, their contributions to the act, and how to experiment and explore with each other using different toys.
When it comes to talking about your sexual fantasies, Dr. Reece admits that it can be a bit scary and leave us vulnerable. Think about mindset first! Whatever your fantasy is, start by talking about themes and then set the rules so each participant is comfortable. And remember, to close the discussion —check in with your partner afterwards to see how they felt about it and be prepared that their reaction may not be what you expect.
Hot Tip! When talking about sex, speak for yourself! Don’t talk about what other people say or do. Focus on your own needs and feelings and leave the comparisons out of the conversations!
- What messages did you receive about sex growing up?
- How do you feel about these messages now, and do you want to change the way you think?
- How important is sex to you?
- What do you appreciate about your sex life?
- From your perspective, what is the relationship between:
- sex & love?
- Sex & emotional expression?
- sex & relationship fulfillment?
- What does a healthy sex life look like to you?
- What excites you about sex?
- What makes you uncomfortable or holds you back with sex?
To watch Season 2, Episode 9 or all the Intimately You episodes, visit TSC.ca/IntimatelyYou
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