Intimately You

Intimately You! Episode 10: Roleplay & Fantasy

We all have fantasies (and whether realized or not) they’re an essential part of our sex life. Dr. Jess welcomes Marriage and Family Therapist Adam Maurer, to delve into Roleplay and Fantasy and explore how and why they can enhance our erotic explorations!

“How do I use a vaginal dilator for vaginal atrophy? And do I need to do Kegels for stress incontinence? I’m 79 years old.” ~ Liz

“Make sure that you have lubrication in place,” says Dr. Sonia Bahlani, Pelvic Pain Specialist. “Good lubrication will help that dilator slide in that much easier. Another thing to help the process is nice deep breathing which helps to decrease the nerves in the area to relax the muscles to help place the dilator. Position is key!” Dr. Bqahlani adds that Kegels can help but they’re not always the answer to everything, so consult your local pelvic floor doctor.

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It’s not surprising that many people have common fantasies!

“I hear a lot of people wanting to have more than one partner at a time,” says Marriage and Family Therapist Adam Maurer. “Who that person is usually irrelevant, its more about having more hands on deck.”

“I always hear “fantasize” as advice for low libido, but how do I even figure out what my fantasies are?” ~ Dean

Reflect on your favourite experiences!

“Think about some of the best sexual experience that you’ve had and what you really liked about them. That’s going to give you some clues as to what turns you on.

“Is fantasizing about someone else cheating? My wife thinks it is.” ~ Geoff

“This one is a pickle that is pretty common for people. One of the things that I recommend is start by thinking about your partnership and what are your relationship boundaries,” says Adam, adding that boundaries can be about being safe, feeling valuable or being in control. “So where to start is thinking about those boundaries and why they’re there for your partner. And then being curious about what fantasies are available to that person. There is more than engaging or not engaging – exploring through erotica, pornography, as well as looking outside because often our fantasies are often influences by our everyday experiences. If we have a partner that is very uncomfortable with that, being able to look what’s in my every day life that I can change that might alter my desire to have this fantasy come to life.”

The difference between things that we want to do in our minds versus the things we actually want to do in real life is really important because you can’t control your thoughts.

“I want to get into roleplay (my partner and I are newlyweds and I don’t want things to get stale), but how do I even get started without feeling silly?” ~ Sangita

Asking questions and talking about it with your partner is a great place to start!

“Silliness is just a part of relationships. I recently bought my first home with my husband and we had no clue what we were doing and it felt really silly at times,” says Adam. “So to me, it’s just another realm of exploring. What I recommend is getting good at practicing. Practice dirty talk, being seen when you’re enjoying pleasure, that way you get more comfortable with stepping into those parts of yourself with someone that you care about>”

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Role playing and fantasy offers more than just excitement. It can also offer a way to address trauma.

“Fantasy and role playing can give people a place for connection, community and safety. Orgasms are fun but there is so much more than that,” says Adam. “Working with a mental health provider you can talk about some of the trauma you’ve experienced. That can give you a sense of what you really long for from a kind, caring adult or what a corrective experience would feel like. That can then give you an indication of what you want in your fantasy.”

To watch Episode 10 or all the Intimately You episodes, visit

Ask Dr. Jess! Wondering what product to buy? How to use it? Looking for relationship advice in the bedroom? Whatever your question, Dr. Jess is sure to have an answer! She excited to answer your questions, so don’t be shy!  You can submit your question discreetly on or by leaving a comment on the blog!

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