Whether using non-verbal communication like responding to your partner’s touch or telling them what you like, sexual communication is sure to elevate your pleasure! Episode 2 of Intimately You with Dr. Jessica O’Reilly and her guest, Shamyra Howard, is all about how to listen and communicate with your partner!
Why is it so hard to talk about sex?
“Sex is not a part of our regular communication and many people aren’t taught to talk about sex, and often shame holds us back. We’ve been taught that talking about sex is suppose to be a hush-hush thing,” explains Shamyra Howard, Sex Therapist .
“My partner and I have been together for years and the sex is OK. I’d really love to talk about making it better…but we don’t really “talk” about sex. What’s the best way to start the conversation?” ~ Sara
“One of the best ways to start talking about sex with your partner is asking what’s the best part about sex and then go from there,” says Shamyra. If you have a shy partner who doesn’t want to talk about sex, Shamyra recommends letting your partner know that the conversation is super important to you. “Ask them how you can make it easier to talk about sex. Don’t say you, say us! That way your partner feels like the conversation is for both of you.”
To help with your listening skills, Shamyra suggests listening to understand and not to respond. Wait for your partner to finish and then respond to the emotions.
Sexual Communication Techniques:
- Listen to understand. Don’t listen to respond!
- Ask yourself: Why am I talking?
“How do I tell my partner about my fantasies?” ~ Robert
“You want to get into fantasies really quickly,” Shamyra says. “Would you rather have sex when someone is watching or watch someone having sex. That way you’re not just saying, hey what’s your fantasy. Make it playful, make it fun, and add your own spin to it!”
“I’m 43 and happily married with kids. Sex is decent, but it could be better. Who do I tell my partner that what they’re doing isn’t working. I don’t want to offend them.” ~ Sam
“You want to start by telling your partner what you’d rather have them do, then telling them what’s not working,” says Shamyra.
Dr. Jess recommends using her three step approach. This can be used when introducing something new or when something isn’t working.
- Start with the positive!
- Ask your question: Is there something you want to try?
- Request: I saw this toy we could try together. I’d like to try it with you if you’re up for it!
“How do I talk to my partner about having sex more often? We’re down to once (maybe twice) a month and I want it every day!” ~ Alex
Sexual frequency is a hot topic. Research suggests that having sex more often is positively correlated with being happier in your relationship, but according to Dr. Jess, it’s not as simple as more, more, more.
“It’s not always about the quantity of sex. It’s mostly about the quality of sex,” explains Shamyra.
Dr. Jess recommends this exercise when you’re wondering how to increase sexual frequency.
- Write down your ideal frequency on a piece of paper.
- Then ask your partner to write down their frequency.
- Trade and have a conversation using the sexual communication advice.
Here are some Dr. Jess recommended product featured in Episode 2 of Intimately You!
Ask Dr. Jess! Wondering what product to buy? How to use it? Looking for relationship advice in the bedroom? Whatever your question, Dr. Jess is sure to have an answer! She excited to answer your questions, so don’t be shy! You can submit your question discreetly on TSC.ca/IntimatelyYou or by leaving a comment on the blog!