Intimately You

Intimately You! Episode 9: Sexual (IN) Compatibility

Are you and your partner “on fire” in everyday life, but “burning out” in the bedroom? Sex Educator and Marriage and Family Therapist, Dr. Lexx Brown-James, joins Dr. Jess, to consider ways to cultivate compatibility and create stronger connections!

“Compatibility is huge,” says Dr. Lexx. “I always tell my clients to think about the TEE – time, energy, effort. Are you willing to spend it or is it something toxic for you? If you’re not willing to spend that time, energy, effort, than maybe it’s not the relationship for you. But if you can be flexible, you can really start to build something great and get to something that is more compatible for both of you.”

“Since kids, I have had no interest in sex and its such a big loss for me because I was very sexual before. What can I do to bring it back?” ~ Sonja

“Give you’re self some space. Your entire life, body and mind have changed. There is no shame in lost desire,” says Dr. Lexx. “Look at our workload. Sometimes having too much on your plate and completely lower your libido. See what you can delegate! And start off solo – don’t just have sex because your partner wants to have sex. Get some alone time and push yourself to the very edge, but don’t climax. You can use that sexy energy later with your partner.”

“For awhile now I’ve had trouble focusing during lovemaking with my husband. I have to fake it just to make him happy. I try my best to be turned on at the same time as my husband. Can you please give me some advice?” ~ Barb.

“Please stop faking it because it’s a really big way to build resentment,” says Dr. Lexx. “Instead switch it up and know that sex doesn’t beginning and end with penetration. Switch up the bedroom, behaviour, toys – all of those things you can engage.”

“My marriage broke down due to incompatibility. Now that I’m getting back into the dating game after 20+ years, how can I tell early on if I’ll be compatible with a new partner?” ~ Kris

“Start off slow and trust your gut,” Dr. Lexx says. “You’re going to decide your level of flexibility. Be mindful of your wants and desires and sharing those at the forefront.”

“You may not feel that spark in the beginning, but you cultivate it over time,” says Dr. Jess.

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What advice does Dr. Lexx have for couples who have a great relationship but are not sexually compatible?

“It’s up to them. Some couples don’t want to have sex regularly because they don’t feel like they need it like other couples. With a good therapist and a willingness to explore, you can be flexible without breaking. And you can get to whatever your normal is,” Dr. Lexx explains.

To watch Episode 9 or all the Intimately You episodes, visit

Ask Dr. Jess! Wondering what product to buy? How to use it? Looking for relationship advice in the bedroom? Whatever your question, Dr. Jess is sure to have an answer! She excited to answer your questions, so don’t be shy!  You can submit your question discreetly on or by leaving a comment on the blog!

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